You might have noticed that some of your friends have mothers who just seem to get along with them. You know, those moms who are always calling their daughters up to chat about boys and makeup? Or the ones who are always posting pictures on Facebook of their daughters’ accomplishments?
And then there’s the other side of the coin: the moms who seem to be at odds with their daughters—the ones who are always arguing or just don’t seem to have much in common. These moms don’t get together as often, if at all.
It can feel like a total mystery why some mothers and daughters get along so well while others fight constantly. Most importantly, why are daughters mean to their mothers? —and we’re here to tell you: It’s not always about personality differences between mom and daughter. Sometimes, it’s because there are bigger issues at play.
In this article, we’ll explore some tell-tale signs that your own relationship with your daughter might need some work—and what you can do about it!
Tell-Tale Signs Of Mother-Daughter Conflict
We all know that teenage girls can be moody, but the truth is that sometimes their behavior is more than just a phase. Sometimes it’s because of something more serious: a conflict between mother and daughter.
If you’ve noticed a sudden change in your relationship with your daughter, it could be a warning of a larger problem. No matter what the issue is, there are signs that will tell you exactly what’s going on with your relationship. Here are some tell-tale signs that your mother-daughter conflict needs fixing:
1.Your daughter refuses to talk about her feelings with you.
It’s a difficult thing to deal with, but it happens all the time: an adult daughter who refuses to talk to their mother about anything that’s going on in their own life. It’s not just a sign of conflict—it’s actually a sign that your daughter is struggling and needs your help.
It might be tempting for some women to try and solve their own problems without seeking advice from anyone else—but this can end up making things worse because they don’t have any support on which they can rely when things get tough!
2. She says you’re the cause of everything that goes wrong in her life.
This is a very common sign of maternal conflict and can get pretty nasty if left unchecked. Your adult daughter will blame you for things like being unable to find a job, getting kicked out of college, or not getting into the school she wanted to attend.
While it may seem like she’s trying to make you feel bad about these things to get back at you, it’s important not to take it personally—even though it might feel personal at first! Try reminding yourself that this isn’t about YOU as much as it is about HER internal struggle with herself.
3. She’s struggling with something—but she won’t tell you what it is.
This can be one of the most obvious signs, but when you’re in the middle of a fight with your daughter, it can be hard to see what’s really going on. She might just say “nothing,” or she might be evasive about what she’s going through.
It’s possible that she’s just dealing with something as simple as a bad breakup or a friend who betrayed her. But it’s also possible that your daughter has gotten mixed up in something dangerous, like drugs or an abusive relationship. Either way, if she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about the problem, then she probably doesn’t trust you—and that’s not a good sign of a mother-daughter relationship.
4. She doesn’t respect your opinions or ideas.
If your daughter is constantly sniping at you, rolling her eyes, or arguing with you over every little thing—especially if it’s something she normally wouldn’t argue about—it’s a sign that something is wrong. If she’s not respecting your opinions and ideas, she might be feeling overwhelmed by how much she needs to rely on you right now.
This can happen if she hasn’t been raised to think for herself and be independent. If your daughter has a hard time coming up with her own ideas, she may not feel comfortable taking suggestions from you—or anyone else!
Why are daughters mean to their mothers?
The question of why daughters are mean to their mothers is a complicated one, and it’s not just limited to adult children. The relationship between mothers and daughters is the most complex of all mother-child relationships. It is also the most emotionally charged one.
In fact, some psychologists believe that the relationship between a mother and daughter can be more significant than any other relationship in a woman’s life—particularly if it goes sour.
This can happen when there is an imbalance in power between the two women or if there are unresolved issues from childhood. In addition, many women have learned to suppress their feelings about their mothers because they don’t want to hurt them or feel like they have failed them somehow.
When you think about it, it’s really not that surprising that adult daughters can be mean to their mothers. After all, we live in a world where women are constantly being told that they’re not good enough and are pressured to look and behave in ways that are unnatural for them. So why wouldn’t some of that startle us when we see it in our own children?
According to Psychology Today, daughters are more likely to mistreat their mothers than sons are, and there are several reasons for this. First, daughters often feel like they have a lot to prove—to their mothers and other people around them. Second, plenty of women experience a shift in power when they become mothers—and as we all know, power can be tricky.
So, it’s not just daughters who feel this way; sons can be just as critical as daughters when they’re feeling upset or angry with their mothers. The difference is that daughters tend to express this anger in a more direct way—via yelling or name-calling—while sons tend to withdraw into themselves or become aggressive toward others instead.
In general, though, daughter tends to treat their mothers worse than son does because they want validation and approval from them—something most sons don’t need as much as daughters do at this stage in life (which is why they’re less demanding). So, while some girls might be mean because they’re trying to prove something or gain power over someone else.
Let’s take a look at some of the root causes and how we can help heal the relationship between mothers and daughters.
A controlling mother can (and will!) alienate daughters
The sad truth is that many mothers—especially controlling ones—can’t help but make their daughters feel guilty and unloved. And while it’s not always a conscious effort, it’s something that happens all the time.
A controlling mother takes independence away from her adolescent daughter by interfering in her personal life, it makes her feel like she doesn’t have any control over herself. This can lead to depression, anxiety disorders, or even addiction problems later in life.
It’s also common for controlling mothers to constantly criticize their daughters’ appearances, weight, and behavior. They might say things like, “You look so fat in that dress!” or “Why didn’t you call me back?” over and over again until their daughters become so stressed out that they want nothing more than to be away from them.
When this happens, it becomes difficult for a woman to form healthy relationships with other people because she doesn’t trust anyone enough to let them into her world—including her own family members!
Uncertain boundaries and being nosy can cause daughters to hate mothers
Mothers are supposed to set boundaries for their children, but some fail to do so, which can cause problems down the road. When daughters grow up without clear boundaries, they may feel like they don’t know where they stand with their parents—and that’s when resentment develops.
It’s also common for mothers to be nosy about their children’s lives. They want to know who they’re dating and what kind of grades they’re making at school; they want to know whether or not they’re drinking or doing drugs.
They want to know if there’s anything going on in their lives that might need addressing immediately. But if a mother doesn’t respect her child’s privacy, she risks turning her daughter against her completely.
So how can you avoid these problems? It all boils down to communication. And always remember that setting boundaries don’t mean that you stop caring about your child—it just means that you give them room to breathe and grow as individuals.
Mental illness and disorders can affect mother and daughter relationships
It’s a common misconception that daughters are mean to their mothers because they’re trying to get back at them. But there are other factors at play here, particularly mental illness and disorders.
Daughters who have been abused by their mothers often exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These symptoms can include anger, fear, and emotional numbness. A daughter with PTSD may struggle to trust her mother, which can lead to hostility.
According to Mayo Clinic, women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression, which can happen at any age. Depression affects about 14.8 million U.S. adults aged 18 or older, according to NIMH statistics from 2020. Women who experience depression often suffer from low self-esteem and mood swings that cause them to lash out at others around them, including their loved ones like their mothers.
Toxic people could undermine good mother-daughter relationships
Mothers and daughters are often close. They share a lot of the same experiences, interests, and values. They provide each other with compassion and emotional support when they need it. But sometimes, toxic people can interfere with this bond between mothers and daughters.
What are toxic people? They’re people who are mean-spirited or destructive. They don’t care about others; they just want to make themselves look better by putting others down. Toxic people can be friends or family members—even mothers! When this happens, it’s called “toxic parenting,” and it can be devastating for children growing up in that environment.
It’s easy to see how this would affect a mother-daughter relationship: if your mother is toxic toward you—and especially if she’s been toxic toward other members of your family—it will make it hard for you to feel safe expressing yourself when around her.
The mother is always absent and unreliable
Daughters are often mean to their mothers because, well, sometimes the mothers are absent and unreliable. This is especially true when the daughter is growing up in a single-mother household or a home without a father figure.
The mother may have been absent from school or work, making it difficult for her daughter to rely on her for emotional support or guidance. She may have been unreliable—for example, she may have lied about when she’d be home from work or where she was going.
As a result, your grown daughter feels abandoned, hurt, and confused by this person who is supposed to be her rock but doesn’t seem to care about her as much as you do as an adult. She might take out those feelings on you now that you’re older and more able to care for yourself—and she doesn’t want you taking attention away from her!
The mother is judgmental
This is the most common reason cited for why daughters are mean to their mothers. Daughters are often judged by their mothers for their choices, whether those choices are relationships, jobs, or how they spend their time.
When you’re an adult, it’s even more likely that you’ll feel judged by your mother. Maybe she thinks your boyfriend is a bad match for you, or maybe she hates your favorite color. These judgments can cause daughters to act out in a number of ways, including being mean and using a disrespectful tone toward their mothers.
This can lead to daughters feeling like they need to defend themselves and prove themselves in order to gain favor with their moms. Unfortunately, this behavior can have negative consequences like an inability to see other viewpoints or take things personally when they shouldn’t.
She’s argumentative
Whether it’s over the color of her mother’s lipstick or her mother’s choice in bedsheets, your grown daughter is probably always arguing with you about something. And it may be because she’s afraid of being left behind.
“Daughters are especially likely to feel a sense of rivalry with their mothers because they see their mothers as a reflection of themselves,” says Dr. Janet Taylor, a clinical psychologist and author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. “And daughters are also more likely to feel their mothers don’t understand them.”
Read More: How To Get Kids To Do Chores Without Nagging? 6 Ways To Keep The Zen!
In other words, if there were ever a time when you wanted to do anything but argue with your mom, it would be right now! But instead of getting angry or trying to convince her that she’s wrong (which will only lead to more arguments), make sure she knows how much you value her opinion. You can be asking questions like “What do you think?” or “You can say anything to me. I will respect your opinion.”
She’s not listening and is dismissive
If you’ve ever had a daughter, you know how much they love to talk. And not just about their feelings—they want to tell you everything! So, when they’re upset with you, it’s only natural that they would want to vent their frustrations. But if your daughter is being mean to you and refusing to listen, then there’s a good chance she’s doing it because she feels like she can’t get through to you.
For example, when you’re having a conversation with your daughter, she may seem distracted. She may fidget, look away from you, or even check her phone. This could be because she doesn’t feel like she has enough time to give to spending time with you.
In addition, she may feel that you don’t respect her own decisions as an adult or don’t understand what she wants to do with her life. If this is the case, try not to make too many demands on her time or try to control what she does with it.
She’s going through something in her life
It may seem like your daughter is being cruel to you, but she’s actually struggling with something in her life. You’re probably thinking, “But what could a teenage girl possibly be struggling with?” Well, we’ve got the answer for you!
Your daughter is going through a lot at this time in her life. She has to navigate complex social situations and make decisions about boys (or girls), jobs, college applications, and more. All these things can stress a young person—and sometimes it gets so bad that they lash out at their parents by being mean or dismissive toward them…often resulting in destroying what was once a healthy relationship.
Other times, your daughter might be frustrated with herself for not living up to expectations—and when that happens, she can take it out on you by treating you poorly. Or maybe she feels guilty about something that happened between the two of you recently and is taking it out on you because she just doesn’t know how else to cope with those feelings!
How do you deal with a mean daughter?
It can be very difficult to deal with a mean daughter, and we know that you are going through a lot right now. We want you to know that you are not alone! There are many other moms out there who have been through this and come out on the other side stronger than ever.
You’re stuck in a cycle of guilt, shame, and anger—and you don’t know how to get out of it. But there’s hope! Here are some tips on how to deal with a mean daughter:
Listen to her concerns and address them as best you can.
The first step is to listen to your daughter’s concerns and address them as best you can. As long as you’re not talking over her or dismissing her feelings, she’ll feel heard and respected, which will make her less likely to lash out in anger.
Even if she’s in the midst of being truly awful, it’s important to listen to her worries—you may be able to find a way to address them without making her feel like she’s been wronged by you. For example, if she complains about how much homework she has this week, maybe there is something else you could do so that she doesn’t have such a heavy workload.
Keep things in perspective.
Remember that your daughter is just a kid—she doesn’t have the same life experience or perspective on things as an adult does. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know yet! It’s easy to get caught up in the drama of teenage years but try not to overreact when it comes to their issues.
Think about how you would want someone else to treat your own children if they were acting out in similar ways; that way, you’ll be better able to see the big picture rather than getting caught up in the momentary frustrations of parenting!
Set boundaries for yourself and your daughter.
Your daughter may feel like she has all the power in this relationship, but that’s not true! As much as you love her, you have every right to set boundaries for yourself and your family. Try to give your daughter as much independence as possible so she can learn how to make decisions on her own—and try not to feel guilty about it!
If she’s being mean (and especially if she’s doing so in public), set a boundary that says that you will not tolerate this behavior in front of other people. This will help you maintain a calm exterior, which is important for helping her manage her emotions more effectively.
It takes effort to be a part of a daughter’s life
Why are daughters mean to their mothers? Sometimes, the answer is simply because it takes effort to be a part of a daughter’s life.
It’s not enough to simply exist in the same household. Daughters need you to check in with them, ask about their day, and make sure they feel heard. They need you to know when they’re upset and why, and they need you to be willing to listen and offer advice or comfort as needed.
This may seem like a lot of work, but it’s worth it! The relationships between mother and daughter are some of the most important ones we have. They are often built on trust, love, and mutual respect—and they can last forever if we choose them well.
References
Boyd, Carol J. “Mothers and Daughters: A Discussion of Theory and Research.” Journal of Marriage and the Family, vol. 51, no. 2, May 1989, p. 291, 10.2307/352493. Accessed 20 Feb. 2020.
Maccoby, Eleanor E. and Martin, John A. “ Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent-Child Interaction.” In P. H. Mussen, & E. M. Hetherington (Eds.), Handbook of Child Psychology: Vol. 4. New York: Wiley, 1983, pp. 1-101.
“5 Signs of a Mother-Daughter Relationship That Has Turned Toxic | Psychology Today.” www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202202/5-signs-mother-daughter-relationship-has-turned-toxic. Accessed 10 July 2022.
